hiaz... today have been a bad day for me. i literally am feeling kinda down and depressed. not only my family is getting from bad to worst, but i am feeling really really tired of living and carrying on with my life ... now a days i am always alone at home, and the worst part is my mum is never home, except on mondays ... and sometimes saturday we will go out together, there are some things i really do like to tell her like my sexual oreintation, but afraid that she may not be able to accept it, i strive to keep it to myself and act as the child she wanted me to be, a normal boy who would have a gal friend... and than develope it further and start a family but i cant ... cos i really have no feelings for gals, i tried to like gals but it always failed.. and i dont wanna leave any burden behind, i dont wan any other woman to be like my mum, slog hell alot just to bring up 3 useless brothers , and at the end ... elder brothers is a loner who like to bear grudges and dont talk to my mum, second one, once got married got wife ... he would never even remember he have a mum... would only remember her when she has a car to borrow ... and as for me ... unable to be like a normal man to fall in love with a gal and have a family and also not completeing my studies... every night i tried to make myself to go to bed,but no matter how hard i tried not to think of this question it will still always pops out in my mind and haunt me and the question would be "will mummy accept me for who am i ?" and after that i would think of this "what if she dont" ... i just cant keep myself from thinking all the things that will happen to her, i am so scare that she will just be so emotionall down and depressed which i really hope it will not happen, but i really cant tolerate it anymore, and i really wanna confess to her but i just dont dare to ... it is like so hard for me to hide things from her as i never like to hide things from her ... and i am so scare that if i admit and cofess to her that i am a gay, she would disown me which i dont wan ... so i really hope i can make myself to keep it as a secret and never tell it to my mum ...
hiaz... i just really dunno how, just that there is no one i can really talk to share with my problems and my close friends and best friends are all anti gays and i am like so so so upset, there is like totally no one where i can speak to about my problems ... like today ... she came home and i was so happy ... but than my friend asked me to play mahjong and i said ok, so me , my elder bro plus my both friends played mahjong till today morning and after that my friends went home and my brother went to work ... and she started to nag at me ... i like the usual will just listen and if it is some important points i will remember( but most of the time all repeated), but i was kinda sad when she started to give me attitude, i was feeling so upset and thought i know i am a really useless person who dont even know A to Z when i was in K2 and would only know how to count 1 to 10 while the others already knew 1 to 100 ...and now, i am like so useless, everything is like cant do can do, not only i am changing my poly (meaning not completed studies) but also my health is starting to fail me... i know i am really useless but i just really cant help to think of my mum all the time ... i always think of her so frequent and would sms her soethings in the middle of the night,and she would reply me in the morning ... i really love her so much and i dont bear to hide things from her but i really cant imagine the impacto n her if i ever tell her i have a preference for guys, i just really cant imagine...and all i can do now is just saying sorry to her on this blog, while knowing her that she is bad with computer and dunno anything bout blog...
i am really sorry mummy that i am a useless and also good for nothing.. but pls forgive me that i am not a normal guy who will go and like a gal thought i am a bisexual but still i prefer guys far more than gals... i am really sorry mummy i really hope u will accept me for who i am ... LOVE U MUMMY ......
Ur Unfaithful Son
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