time to move on with a tired life....

hi to all my bloggy reader, haha sorry that i have no time to pose new stuff cos i am really busy with work and now adays my health is getting from bad to worsdt. especially my knee ... hiaz, i am not a sporty person but my knee is already CMI (short for for cannot make it). oh well guess it is fated hahaha. well 1 month 1 week have pass working at my new working place. well it is kinda nice and time flies but still i am really tired cos there is alot of back stabbers in my company especially there is afew snakes around who will try to push all the faults to me. but at least all i know is, if i do my things properly, there is no way people will do thing to get me into trouble. but at least i am proud that those invoice i did, non of the company call back to complain >.<

hiaz, now a days i am so tired, dont even have time to relax and update my bloggy. i manage to fnd a time now cos i just showered and letting my hair dry hehe, furthermore was on M.C and i have slept alot hehe so ya can sleep lesser hehehe.anyway working life is kinda tought and also study is kinda tought tooo just that the toughtness is in a different way hehehe. i really hope my life would be nice and peaceful but soon my path in life has come to a cliff that i dont wish to go ahead but have bbeen force to fall into the cliff. NS ... it is a word that i head alot where the government treat us "citizen" unhumanly and treat us like dogs . i always ask myself what have the government do for us that we must serve the country ? have they feed us ? look after us ? and when we need help have the goverment do so ? i am always asking such questions myself and also to some friends and all the same ... we counld not find the answer and the reason to serve ns... i think it is really a waste of time ... and also it is kinda unfair ... and further more going to ns is something i really dont like ... why should i go ? tell me 10 gooooood reason why i must go ? why must we be "own" by "someone" and be treated as mere "chess pieces" on a "chessboard"? and why must we be "dogs" to "someone" when they are not even providing us with proper "foods" ? why must we be "chess pieces" to people who dont even appear infont of us and let us do all the "fine clean jobs" ? all they know to do when we "dogs die" is give our parents "gifts" but they cant be even bothered to care bout the feelings of our parents. but i really cant understand why dont they be in our shoe ? and think ? why cant it be a self volenteery thingy but a compulsory ? if they feel that not making it compulsory alot of people will not join than they have to think of a way to make it attractive enought so that people will join and not make people to join with force... furthermore "a person can bring the horse to the river but it can never make it drink the water" at the end of the day, they dont train loyal "dogs" but only make more hatred, and further more that "some people" should think why alot of people is leaving singapore, for me i will leave singapore too cos i dont wan my next generation to suffer too. anyway now adays people say going ns is like a charlet. but mind me, people thinks it is a charlet is because they see only whats there when they are there but not things that are there when they are not there. they say the "dog training center" is serving very good food, ya of cos when the parents around of cos there is nice food but a couple of days later u see what kinda food u get. and also u notice one thing ? why does the "dog training center" dont allow camera phone ? cos they scare that some "dogs" will take video of what is happen inside and than put on the net and let people see what is happening inside. cos there is somethings, that only "dogs" inside the "dog training center" will see, will feel, will suffer but outside people cant. i personally feel that that " somebody" should do something about it. cos i personally feel that. if someone is to force someone to do something, the result of that something will not be nice but infact it will arouse something to happen.

like that day, it was deepavali (forgot how to spell). i went to my godma place with my mum, my god pa and my other godma, not long after we arrive my other godma's husbands friends(a old pair of couple) came and tried to mix with my god pa and they started to talk about all kinda things, than they started to about ns. i just act as thought nothing happen. but the part i really cannot stand is that old cocks wife. she said this " ai ya ns now a days is like going chalet. they serve such good breakfast. they pay 4 dollars for breakfast, 8 dollar for lunch and 8 dollar for dinner. they so goodlife. " at that point in time i wanted to rebark her. but i just kept my cool and walk away. i wanted to rebark her this. "aunty, u gal or boy ? u young or old ? u been to ns ? no right ? so STFU and dont talk big ! cos in the first place u dont have the bloody dick and secondly u are a farking old ah ma so shut up and dont talk big." i was like so bloody pissed that i wanted to spit on her. old ladies like her should die faster since they only know how to talk and no action, i guess she is the type "kong liao lan pa song" than when her own son go in she will call and call and ask how are u got kenna ill treat or not those type. she is the type who say for the sake of saying without feeling bout the others feeling. i reallly really wanna spit on her lor !!! roar should have did that... *regret that i din do it* tsk tsk tsk but old people like them will never understand us. before going in i already feel so stress. imagine when u are in it u will feel even more stress. and some of us really cannot take it till we get depression and some will even try to end thier own life. i already cannt take it and i really dont like such things. further more, i have really told myself i wanna enjoy my life for the next few month and let thing be as it is. but i am telling u all one thing i am not going to be let treated as a dog. if things really is not right i will tell them off. be it u are a stupid "dog trainer" or "dog training center manager" i will still not care. cos i believe every human have his or her own right. but i feel that it is really unfair for us. why must there be conscription ? tell me y ? i dont understand it lor if u really wanna have a army, than make it in a way that u will go and attract the citizen of the country to join and the best part in doing that is that u will have a loyal group of "dogs" that u can play with and toy around with. i am a person who dont like to be own by "someone" who have no blood relation with me and further more what have that "someone" did for use ? other than HELPING us spent our money ? u tell me ? anyway am really tired so am going to head for bed ^.^ any comments just shout it at my shout box ^.^ so take care all ^.^

i am just too tired to live on and carry on ....

by reading my title u should know that i am very stressed up and tired ... i really dunno how to handle things... just cos i keep getting sick , my mum keeps thinking why i keep getting sick .. know i have been a useless boy, and on top of that i am also a gay ... i just really cant handle it anymore , i just really wanna cry out loud but i cant ... i am so use to laugh at things and laught off my sorrow and till now i dunno even know how to cry any more, i am so stress with work and also all my problems and further more the thing i hate the most is already coming soon and i really dont wanna go for it ... i really just hope to just disappear ... all i have in mind now is to end my pitiful life ... i kept thinking of it, cos no matter what , if i live on i will be still the same, i am just a bloody idiot with just luck and dunno anything... like what my mum say, work also cannot , study also cannot, go army also cannot so might as well just stay home and sleep ... i really just wanna sleep ... and if can i wanna sleep for eternity ... and maybe go to the paradise of after life ... i dont wanna disgrace my godma jolin , my god mama dei and also my mum... but what i am is already a disgrsce to my mum and somemore now, we all work in the same company, what i do wrong may also reflect on this too, i dont wan it to happen, i try my best to do things nicely but it just seems that no one appriciate and also trys to find fault with me. everyday i wake up at 7.30 go to work at 9 and end work at 6 every day with out fail i will be attack. i ask people how to do thing, they will show me attitude only but for some nice people they will help me. otherwise they will try to feed me with wrong informations, or worst, what they do wrongly they throw the fault at me. and what can i do ? just quietly accept it and keep it to myself. i am like a stupid punching bag letting people to attack me. i am like so totally down. i feel so down and hoping to tell me mum my problems but sat the end. she din listen to what i wanna say, and she say that i am just lazy and trying to "geng". i dunno how to say. last time she told me why i dont tell her my problems, but i wanna ask is how am i suppose to tell her about my personal problems when she keep attacking me ? and by now she should know i fall sick easily but yet she keep telling me dont "geng" ok... i am like just so bloody upset and yet the rest of the day she keep giving my a bloody attitude and i just accepted it and kept quiet ... i just really dunno why my life is so bitter ... since young i always get bullied in school, i kept to myself, not telling my mum, i get mock in school cos i have no father, and now she say i am like this cos u have no father to teach ... and all i can do is listen and bear with what she say... in front of all my other friend i try to be cheerful and i kept quiet, some i dont even dare to tell them that i am a gay... afraid that i will loose them i just kept quiet. but i know if they ever know about me they will not accept me cos they dislike gays ...

today, it is the worst day of my life ... i tried to bluff myself off things but at the end of the day... facts is always facts that cant be change ... like what some people like to say, once a gay always one ... i am lke ya ... it toook me bout more than 16 years and count to try to accept that i am a gay ,on top of that it took me 16 year and counting to accept that i dont have a father and i have suffer 17 years of mocking and being bullied. and what i do, i just kept to myself without telling my mum ... and when i try to tell her some problems of mine, she starts tp nag at me... and now a days i feel so down and up set ... i dunno how ... anyway take all my friends and readers of my blog ... am kinda upset now so i am going to go and chill myself.... so cya all

time comes and goes and yet so bored ~~~~

hello all ^^ i guess u all must be asking why is my title time comes and goes and yet so bored . anyway, the reason i used such a title is because i feel that time is passing by so fast ~~~ and it seems to be sipping throught bit by bit as i type this posting. but oh well time cannot be stop. everyone will have to reach 50 some day thought hehhe . so i guess i will still leave on to my moto ^^ happy also one day, sad also one day, cry also one day, so might as well be happy and smile all the way ^^. thought it is easy to say, but it ishard to do such a thing but i have try haha and well it worked ^^

anyway, afew days ago, i quarreled with my mum and now we are fine ^^ and she is like more and more concern about me ^^ thought we quarreled and din wanna speak to each other we still at the end smsed each other and chat ^^ hahaha like what people say, all mothers are the same thought they are angry with us but at the end they still love us and have a softy spot for us and we are the same too hehehe at the end will still give in to them. but anyway, my mum is my only parent left so i guess it is only right to listen to her, be with her, surpport her and spent time with her ^^ further mor, my mum now knows that i am a gay she accepted it thought she told me that she is sad cos i am a gay and she tells me to try to change and of cos i will try to change but still i tried so many time and i cant ^^ but still, i some how still prefer guys over girls, i feel that to be with a guy is better than to be with a gal cos, just somehow guys are sometimes sweeter and also will help each other more cos it is a guys natural character to be stronger and supportive ^^ and a guy who i love supporting me and me supporting a guy i love is what i really wish for ^^

anyway now i am working now, and in my offce i am the only guy in my department and they think that i am a nomal guy hehehe, and i really hope they dont ask me this, where is ur girlfriend, cos if they ask i really dunno what to say, am i going to say oh i am a gay and i only like guys or am i just going to tell another lie. but lets put it this way, if i tell people i am a gay, they will start to avoid me and pinpoint me and if i tell them a lie i have to tell many lie to cover a lie hiazz... which i really dont wanna. but it seems that i have no choice but to tell a lie and cover it with many other lies which it is going to mak it into a big fat lump of lies.but well, i guess the big fat lump of lie is better rthan to tell the truth, cos i dont wanna let my mum to be a laughting stock and also not to disgrace her. further more we are working in the same company so i guess it is best that it is kept a secret about my sexuality. but i just wonder, if one day my working colleague finds out that i am a gay, what will happen ... will my working life be worst ? or will be the same peaceful and full of laughter ? hiazz but i guess it is best that i keep it a secret even till the day i leave my company. Oh well guess it is tme for me to hit the hay. kinda late ler and also my hair is already dried so i guess i wll go sleep bah ^^ so nites all and have a good night sleep ^^ will try to update my bloggy asap ~~~ cos working so lesser time to update my blog hahha ^^ OYASUMI NAHSAI ~~~~ good night, sweet dreams and sleep tight ^^ bye bye ~~~~

ANGRY ~~~~~ ANGrier ~~~~~~~ angriest

argh !!! i am so angry with my mother ... i was told to do some eclaim on short notice, and it was like so unfair to me ... T-T just cos i dont wanna let my mummy down and also not to give trouble to her friend i rush the stupid e claim for her.... than now i am sick and my mummy nag at me T-T where is justice !!!! not fair to me ... here was what happen.

as usual every friday for people who work is a happy day, so at night my friend ask me to play mahjong and of cos i agreed, so we play mahjong on friday night till saturday morning, and on that friday night my mama jolin told me she is going to drop thee claim thingy on friday night in my letter box without even telling me that the dead line was on sunday which was the 5th september and so hearing that i quickly called my brother and ask him if he open the letter box, and he told me well if there is any letter i will put it on ur bed and i dont even have the letter box key, and wth i went home that night it was not on my bed and he was not home and so i played mahjong, that night while playing mahjong, i game a game with 13 wonders and my friends and bro was shock. after that i went to meet my mummy and her friends to go pray. and of cos it was a wonderful day till my mama jolin tells me that the e claim dead end is tomorrow ~~ i was like WTH ... and i was already not feeling very well since friday morning ... and i just kept quiet, and once my mum heard that she than gave me a copy of the letter box key !!!! i was like wth, so no choice, i had to go home and open the letter box andthan do the e claim, and when i saw the e claim i wws like WTF so many how to finish, so no choice sine the time i got home i did the claim till the next morning and than i had a short sleep and i woke up and continue doing it. without doing anything i did all the e claims and finally at SUNDAY NIGHT 10 plus i finish every thing and i pass it to mama jolin and at that moment i am like having migrains and also having a little gastric ... i went dow nto buy my dinner ate my dinner and i feel so sick ... thw whole night i could niot sleep, and this morning i called my mum my mum gave me bloody attitue i was like eth, just cos dont wanna let her be in a bad position i got attitude for her and i got sick just becos of that !! T-T so unfair to me sob sob. why must i always get into this type of idiotic situations ... so unfair to me !!! i wanna cry but cant cry ..... why she like that de ..... but i felt it was very noble of her accepting that i am a gay and also showered me with more love and attention but i dont understand what i am doign is becos of her ... oif i know she was like that than bloody hgell i am not going to rush the eclaims for her !!!!!!! it is like so unfair to me !

hmmmm ~~~ busy and tired yet cant stop what iam doing ...

hiaz, from reading my title u should know i have just start to work, so tired, everyda wake p at 7.30 am thansower leave home head to work at redhill, than 6 p leave office and go home ... so tired, but i kinda ike the job, thought what i do is to ensre that everything matches and thn relax haha, i like this kinda job, i hate those going around and move up and down ...

haha thought i like th work but it is kinda tired, but anyway back to the issue where i told y mummy that i dont like girls, she accepted it and i told my god kor kor and his gal frien , my gan mei mei and a close friend of mine and they were like i see and than that trigger me thinking have they already expected to be like this or not... thought i get some goood scolding from my kor kor haha but he still care for me ^^

oh well for now i think this is the few friends i trust the most but i wanna tell my best buddy whom i have know since primary one ^^ hope he is free soon so i can tell him about it. but oh well, a least i have friends who really accept me for who i am, this kinda friends are hard to find so i consider myself lucky to have such friends ^^

oh well guess i am tired, i am heading for my bed so good night to all and have a good public holiday ^^ muacks love u guys ^^