lifes getting pretty lonely ..

Good day to all my reader ( if there is any), it has been sometime since i have updated my blog. Sorry i cant update it as frequent as i did last time because of my Ns which is taking up alot of my time and also i have been think realyl deeply about things.

Now a days my life is getting really bored. Tried to find someone to settle down but is either not his type or not my type. Otherwise will be just wanna be together just for "sex-sual" pleasure and next moment you will see him going missing. I guess it is like that in the gay circle. To find one that love for who you are and what you are is like searching for a needle in the hay stack.

All i want is someone sweet and really do care for each other and not someone who just wants sex and than disappear. Yes i know everyone need to have sex. But do they need to do it in such extend till they start a relationship just for that ? i dont think so right ? last few times i have dated some people. i told them i am not into just sex, what i want is to find someone who will care for me and who i can care for. One of them after dating me afew times gave up on me. why ? he ask me to have sex with him afew times. but at the end i refused to and end up he just disappear.
the other ? also the same.

I know sex is important and it also shows how much we love one person. But dont u think if everytime we meet and do it. Dont it mean it is like so meaning less?

I agree i would like to have that everytime to express my love. Bu when i think things throught again and again. why sex ? i dont see my mum and dad having sex everyday ? but why us gays ?

All i expect is have a bf, love each other look after each other. Maybe once in a while have sex that is like agreeable . But not like everytime we meet and we have to have sex . sometimes i m really tired about life . really dunno how and why.

Anyway i just really hope to find someone i really love and settle down with. Someone who can make me melt for him and also he melting for me. I dont want a guy who just wanna come and find me have sex chat to me have dinner and next moment going off and i really find it meaningless.

i like a bf who like to travel and who will to come pick me and go out together sometimes. But usually for the start. I will prefer him to travel because i believe if he really love or like you alot he will take the initiative to start.

But from what i can see majority who wanna meet me will fail this round. they will usually say why dont you come over ? And time after time even if i tell them i hate going to town. They will still ask me to go to town ? Funny huh ? i am the type of person who will not anyhow go to peoples place. Usually after we have date for like for a weeks or when we are together for sometime and i feel comfortable. i will go and find him when he ask me to.
Seriously speaking i dont mind to travel. But for the start, i would like him to come over stay at my place a couple oftimes and than i will also go over to stay at his place. But not forgetting that staying at his place may not be a very bright idea.

i know you guys will think why. Let me tell you why. For some of us , our parents may know that we are gay. For my case, my mum do know that i am so it is like less drama around. Secondly if i go stay over and his parents dunno that his son is a gay and suddenly we are hugging and kissing and they enter his room. Imagine the mess i am in and worst he is in. More drama will happen. lets put it this way i am a person who dont mike alot of drama and mess so i would rather my bf to stay at my place occasionally rather than staying over at his occasionally.

Oh well. I dunno. Further more, usually people get the impression that i dont like to go out. Seriously i like to go out. But if you ask me to go out to places i have never gone before i will be really reluctant to go. therefore here comes the part where i prefer him to meet me at places i know a little about and familiar with so that i will not feel uneasy thats all.

Oh well i guess thats all i wanna write about today. Kinda bored .. but cant fall asleep haha.. guess i will just go and game and atch tv. Love you guys and i love you mummy. Muacks !

Saddening day ..

Today was a normal yet quiet day. Reach home late. wanted to go get a keyboard as my old one was kinda spoil. Proceeded to get one .. and who knows i over spent and someone who care for me alot got upset worring that i dont or never save for a rainy day.
this is how my new keyboard looks like >

I apologized to that person and he was upset.. i know i was too much to over spent thought. i felt terrible and i dont wan the same thing to happen again from now on.Therefore from now on i will control the way i spend again and must not repeat my mistake ... i guess i must really reflect on what i did ... guess i have to take what happen yesterday as a lesson learn ... and i am really sorry for what i have done...

But come to think of it, i was unlucky too as all my things are beginning to spoil ... and one shot alot of my things is spoilling at the same time ... hiaz ...

but anyway, this coming 21st is that someone's birthday and i am thinking of getting something for that person, something i can afford thought . i thought of getting for that person a pen which that person will be able to use everyday. What do u think guys ? Pen or other things ? Give me some idea ok ? pls pls pls thanx alot hehehe ~~

Ok now is really late and i have to wake up at 530 AM ... i guess i better be off to bed already ... Nites all ~~~ love u guy and i love u mummy ~~

Chat box

Harlo all, how have u guys been. Recently i have found this very interesting little thingy and i have decided to put it on my blog. Hehehe, it acts like a msn and many people can chat there together . Cool right.Hope u guys will use it more frequent ~~ ^^ love u guys ~~

wah la ~~~ ps for super long time never update

hello dear readers, sorry i din have time to even update my blog cos of stupid national service now i have barely enough sleep too. But anyway. I just thought of something, and i just really wanna share abit.

U see, all of us sure have been in such a situation before where u like someone but that guy just like another person. u try to show ur feeling towards them and show him care and concern. But they treat u as a irritant.

Seriously, i myself get into such situation before. What i did was to try harder but not push over the limits. But still after trying and trying further and it fails i will just tend to give it all up and stop so call wasting my times on a tree that will not bear any fruits even after hard work.

Today i called myself stupid, for what i have done. I like someone knowing it is impossible. After spending so much effort and time and at the end, the guy i kinda like and curious to know about, decided to meet someone else who he met later than me. And worst he decided to even develop a relationship with. Hahahaha.

I am so silly. But i believe it is time for me to give up. Becos as such things keep repeating itself, i have been thinking about things. Even if i could force the thing to happen what is the use ? I am just leaving a chuck of meat beside me while his heart is with someone else. That was why i decided to leave him alone and never to contact him nor delete him from my msn. I even told him if u wan u can sms me or pm me on msn to chat if u wanna. But u can at the end of the day jolly well know that they will never do that.

Thats is why now a days when i am in such situations. i will usually lets thins go the way it is. and do the same thing again and again if it happens. Becos i always tell meself this :

" To really love a person. it dont mean the person have to be with u. To love a person is to see that the person u love is happy, enjoying with who he is with and also well taken care of. "

thats why, whenever such things happen. i will always tell them tc and good luck. cos it is all what i can do and hope for. Is not becos of anything. But is it becos i really love that person and hope he will be happy thats all.

haha guess it si getting late so i am off to bed. I just hope u guys who read this posting will just comment on whether u agree with it or not ^.^ thanx and good nite

AND ONE MORE THING HAPPY NATIONAL DAY !!! Happy 44th Birthday SINGAPORE !!!

BORED lol !!

Like have been as bored as ever. Time have passed and i have serve 2 months plus of ns ... It sux to a certain extend but i have gave some really nice Boss and upper studies ^^

But since time have passed i notice i have quite a comfortable life and i really like to continue to work with my current bosses and upper studies haha.

Anyway, this monday, LOL i was being send home cos i had a fever of 37.7 lol .. i was send to the medical center and they screen my temperature lol it was 38.2 LOL and i was send home with a 1 week MC haha !!!!!!! funny huh ? but i guess it is to prevent the soread if H1N1 if u have it LOL .. but sad to say i dont have IT hahaha !!! i have fever but no flu so i cant be having it unless u tell me it is possible that i dont have Flu and still can get the SWINE FLU than why is it called as a stupid flu siak !

But anyway i am now trying to count down to my ord LOL which is 1 year and 10 months more LOL still a long way more to go LOL.

Hiaz i am really bored and i dunno what to talk about T^T

anyway yesterday i quarreled with someone regarding the importance of looks. Is it really that important or till a certain extend ? or rather the personalities of one is more important ?

We had a long arguement regarding this matter. But my stand is still, Looks is not the most important thing in this world. Becos no matter how good looking are u but u have a lousy personality no one will still like you. It is as good as a extremely nice vase that can even be use to hold flowers for display. Or rather when u go for a interview, with just ur looks the "boss" will hire u just becos of u looks or ur qualifications and ur experience ?

but oh well i hope u guys who read my blog will comment about it ^^ thanx so pls do leave comments on the shout box ^^ muacks love u guys and i love u mummy !!

Sad, Unhappiness, Moodless. Tried failed and now doubt ... whats next ? Ill treatment ?

Hiaz, i was actually kinda upset today by what had happen in camp. First, i was ill for a period of time and totally was weak and sick. Thanx to my close friend, when ever i needed him, he will accompany me to the polyclinic to see a doctor and if i am alone and really cant travel i will go to the nearest private clinic to see a doctor. But to my horror, my camp thinks that i am "faking to be ill". I was like omg and so on. But so be it . At the end i really got tired of things and when my last visit to the polyclinic i ask the doctor to prescribe me with Anti Biotics since my flu was like more than 2 weeks and it has cause me unable to sleep. So finally, the following monday i was so so much better though the Flu like symtoms was there i still "forced" myself out of bed and headed to my camp.

Once when i was back in camp i saw my officers and majority of them was kinda nice. I literally felled in loved with my officers and i thought it is ok i will try my best. And try my very best at what ever task i am given. But to my horror. This was what they told me. " From today onwards u are only allowed to report sick at Tuas or Changi otherwise Only Government Structured Hospitals"> Come on man i am staying at bukit Gombak ... the nearest hospital is like 30 mins ride aways from my house ... Isnt that abit too much ? I told myself nvm ... One of my officers is so nice that he now offered to give me a ride to work everyday. I was so happy and all of my officers are nice except for a few, the few is like really few, i was so touched by my few caring officers that even thought this 2 weeks i have force myself to report to work even when i am feeling unwell . But in office i just tried to put on a smile and also acted cheerful as though nothing was happening. I tried my best to tolerate any discomfort, even when there was a few occation when i was feeling very dizzy that i almost fainted i still kept quiet and work with what ever task i was given. I still kept quiet.

But today, i have tolerated more than enough. Even after they give me some very UNREASONABLE guide lines to follow AND i just followed it and kept quiet. The UNREASONABLE guide line was to report sick at only SAF medical center which was located at Tuas or Changi otherwise only Government Stuctured Hospital. Iwas fine with it i give and take. But to my horror, today they said this to me.

" Since u have not been back to the office for a period of time, it is only fair that u be the duty clerk. (i was still fine about it) The task of a duty clerk was to open the office by 8am ,man the office during lunch, draw news papers and open mail box. I was still ok. ( Since i am able to reach the office by 8 am if my officers gave me a ride). but there was a few problems :

1 ) i can never reach the office by 8 am if i were to travel on my own sdince the entire ride from my home to my work place is like more than 2 hours ride.But i told my Chief Clerk that i may not be able to reach the office by 8 if i were to travel by myself by mrt. So i told her if that was the case i can only reach at about 830 am or slightly later she said ok.

2 ) Next was manning the office, Well this part i was ok with it thought since manning of he office was nothing much. All i have to do was to look after the office when my officers was having lunch.So i was still pretty fince with it.

3 ) The other problem i was really quite angry was, when they told me this, they said that i have another option, which was if i was playing PUNK , and i just admit that i was playing PUNK. All those unreasonable guide lines and so call PRIVILEGE will be reinstated and i will have to go though what ever punishment needed. AND I WAS LIKE !@#$%^&* WTH PEOPLE IS LIKE SUFFERING ALL THE WAY AT HOME AND U THINK I AM JUST PLAYING PUNK ?!?!?!??!?

> do u think this was fair to me ?

4 ) the was the last and the final problem that also really pissed me off was that " I HAVE TO DO ALL THIS EXTRA DUTIES TILL ALL THE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IS COMPLETED AND HAVE COME TO A END" meaning ? if the investigation goes on for 1 year i do 1 year extra duties ?

> So at the end they mean is to literally make me suffer, giving my stress which i am already very very stressed and also treatening me to say that if i wanna stop all this UNFAIR TREATMENT I MUST ACTUALLY ADMIT ???? WHEN I DID NOY EVEN LIKE FAKE ?

After all this happened, it was a nice day for me but after lunch, when all this was told to me. My day was totally spoiled, destroyed and ruined. I was totally moody all the way. I controlled my emotion. I almost cired at my upper studies cubicle. But i din i endured all of it till i reached home. I cried for literally 2 hours. I tried my best and this is how i get treated. I EVEN LITERALLY ENDURED WHAT EVER DISCOMFORT JUST TO GO BACK TO CAMP COS I REALLY LOVED MY NEW UNIT.

WHY JUST NORMAL HEALTHY PEOPLE CANT UNDERSTAND US PEOPLE WHO ARE WEAKER IN OUR HEALTH ? JUST BECOS WE KEEP GETTING SICK THAN U JUST TREAT US AS SOME PUNKSTER OR FAKER ? HOW THEY WAN US TO PROOF TO THEM ? LET THEM INVESTIGATE ? THAN AFTER THAT WHEN WE ARE REALLY SICK I NEED TO TRAVEL BACK TO CHANGI REPORT SICK, BUT SOME HOW DURING HALF WAY OF THE TRIP TO CHANGI I KICKED THE BUCKET ??

I am like OMG all the way u know ? I know it is by law for us Singaporean guys to serve National Service. But we are human also u know ? We are born in Singapore as human being NOT SLAVE and further more i dont think i owe ANYONE ANTHING ONLY THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE TROUBLE TO TEACH CARE AND LOVE ME, ENDURED THE PAIN AND LOSE LOTS OF BLOOD TO BORN ME and that person is no one but my mum. What is there for me to repay to the country ? They are not even helping us in anything. Thye just implement the structures and used our money to start the thing moving thats all. I am fine with NS but come on at least treat us like some HUMAN not dog or animal. But what ever it is. I am just gonna keep cool and keep quiet. BUT I REALLY DONT FEEL LIKE CONTINUING ... I JUST REALLY HOPE NOW TO BE WITH MY FATHER ... BUT I ALSO CANT BEAR TO LEAVE MY MOTHER .... I AM SERIOUSLY TIRED .... AND UPSET ... AND THE QUESTION THAT IS STILL LINGRING IN MY HEAD NOW ... IS IT JUST BECOS IT IS A WHAT EVER POLICY AND MAKING IT A COMPULSORY ISSUE AND THEY CAN JUST IMPLY AS AND WHAT THEY LIKE COS THEY ARE WHO THEY ARE ? EVEN WHEN IT IS UNREASONABLE ? FURTHER MORE WITH THE H1N1 THING. IMAGINE IF I AM H1 N1 POSITIVE AND I AM STILL DO NOT KNOW AND I TRAVEL ALL THE WAY TILL I REACH CHANGI THAN I KNOW I AM POSITIVE WITH IT. HOW MANY PERSON AM I GOING TO GET INVOLVED ? THOUSANDS ?

AM I THE ONLY ONE OR ARE THERE PEOPLE WITH THE SAME PROBLEM OUT THERE ? BUT BEING SILENCED ??

SOme fuckers whom i treat him as a friend but treat me as a mere tool !

Sorry to those who read my blog but today i have reach my bloody limit. I am really pissed off with this guy whom i really treat him as a friend. YES WE ARE GAYS BUT WE ARE NOT BLOODY BITCHES. I tried to meet him out for lunch and he is like asking me to go to places he wanted. Nvm. I mean come on u call me to go to the place u wanted but also must see if i wanna go to the place or not right ? Nvm. Once he was working in clementi, he stays in woodlands and i mean come on we said lets meet for dinner. And u know what he say ?" Hmm lets go woodlands eat." I was like erm. Since u are passing by my area might as well we settle it at my area. Instead of me going to travel and waste my fair righT ? Since it is only dinner why make me travel so far ? and the place he choose so conviently is around his area. Come lor.

Nvm, today i was seeking for some people to chat on sgboy chat room. so some how, i saw he(not knowing it was him) wanna chat so i mean hey come on maybe lets hook up and chat right. So the conversation started as a decent one. as usual we ask each other age, height, weight and race. And hey kinda can click since same age group right ? so i ask hey whats ur msn. So he started to give me his msn. After copying and attempt to add him on my msn, i found out he is already on my msn and he was someone who i wanted to meet in the past but he kinda like those "ai mai ai mai" and give alot of stun those type. All along he is like on the edge of my good list and almost into the black list.

Last week or so, he was kinda feeling down so i thought hey lets chat to him and we chatted for a while. After that i thought just as friend i thought u wanna meet for breakfast since it was like 6 am in the morning. He said nah he wanna sleep cos he was tired. So i was fine with it. So i thought nvm there will be a next time. But in my mind i know this fellow there will not be a next time. So nvm.

But today he is like over board. After i told him who i was and so on i said hey lets chat on msn. U pm me and we chat there . He like din even bother to reply. So i waited and waited and finally i aid nvm. i pm him since he may be busy. But come on, what is more bastard than him. I pm him on msn he is flooding on the sgboy chat room. Nvm i pm him on sgboy chat room and he like din even reply and yet he can spam ! i was like omg. Trying to like find out what happen what i did wrong and so on he dont wanna even reply. And after so long i blew my top u know what he reply me ? this is what he said.

"no la why u say like that ?"
"i din see my msn"
"i am spamming here" ( on sgboy which i also kept asking if he was there )

to tell u the truth he was there ! and yet he ignored me. OMG i ask u guys out there. Is he like treating me as a friends or a tool ? when in need of someone to tlak to he will contat me and when no he will startt to ignore me ? FUCKER RIGHT ??

LET ME TELL U THIS U BLOODY SON OF THE GUN TEO L~F~~ ! I HAVE BEEN TREATING U LIKE A REAL FRIENDS AND WAS REALLY WORRIED ABOUT U AND NOW U WANNA BE LIKE THAT FINE ! GO TO HELL ! IT SHOWS ALOT ABOUT U ! ALL UR BLOODY RELATIONSHIP DIN WORK OUT IS NOT BECAUSE OF UR EX-BOYFRIENDS IS BECAUSE OF UR BLOODY CHARACTER ! GET IT ! GO AND BANG THE BLOODY WALL AND SUCK UR OWN BLOODY DICK ! AND DUMP UR BLOODY BRAIN AWAY !

Sorry to my reader out there that i am so violent here cos i am like really pissed off. I never like to have friends who do that to others. So sorrym, am off to bed ~~~ nite nite all love u guys.